#2: Ear Licker

As a new feature, I’m reliving the stories of my top 5 worst/funniest/best-date-story stories. Here’s #2:

In Hong Kong, I mostly had great first dates…except for Ear Licker. Here’s what I wrote in May 2011 about this wild date:

“I recently went on a first date with a random guy that I had met out one night. The night I met Pierre (names have been changed to protect the guilty), I was with Shelley in LKF, trying out new bars in town. Pierre asked Shelley if he could have my phone number and Shelley, being the good friend that she is, interrogated him about his personal life before giving the go-ahead: Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have children? (actually, that was me chiming in in the background) Will you actually call her? He answered appropriately for each question, so my number was given, but with low expectation and even lower hopes that he’d call.

Low and behold (very un-Hong Kong guy style), he actually called me three days later (the “perfect” number of days before calling a girl, right?) and invited me to watch his comedy show. I vaguely committed, but before having to be thoroughly embarrassed by his lack of hilarity, he needed to cancel the show due to work. Upon initially receiving the cancellation text, I was relieved, but upon further reading, I was being asked to have drinks and go African dancing. Yes, this is quirky and fun and something different, but I just could not get myself into the groove of grooving on a first date, so I respectfully declined and asked for a rain check to the next night, praying that he got the hint that I didn’t want to go dancing. My clue worked, so he invited me instead to a cigar bar. Now, maybe I’m old fashioned, or maybe I’m a girl, or maybe I’m not a smoker (of which, all are true), but this was an odd idea for a date, but me being the trooper said yes.

The next night, Pierre and I met up and found that the cigar bar was closed, so Pierre decided to get cigars and a bottle of wine and have a date by the harbor. If you’ve known me long enough to have been in my acquaintance longer than August, you know that I have changed a lot since moving to Hong Kong. I’ve loosened up on the reins on the boring, decided to go with the flow (aka me taking place in a flash mob in the middle of Wyndham Street on a Saturday night…side story, sorry) and do more fun things that I wouldn’t get the chance to do otherwise. So, I agreed to the new plans (they kept getting changed and maybe that was one of the earliest clues) and Pierre and I sat on a bench, “smoking” cigars, and drinking wine. I won’t bore you with all of the details of the Asian guy who talked to us for 45-minutes about Jewish conspiracy trillionaires or his life being followed by the CIA because he was a consultant to Al Gore and Bill Clinton, but skip right to the juicy…er, awkward…parts of the date.

After the conspirer left, Pierre took my hand and started rubbing it saying how he took a massage class once and that he could tell a person’s sensitive spots by her hands. With one hand still on mine, he started to rub my ear, “You are sooo, sooo sensitive here.” I was really trying to be on board, but all I could say was, “I won’t tell you if I am or not.” He proceeded to touch the back of my neck, “You are sooo, sooo sensitive here,” my lower back, “You are sooo, sooo sensitive here.” Right…well, it’s been great, but…he made me stand up, chest to chest and began to make out (and by make out, I mean, full on licking and sucking) with my ear, “Isn’t this sooo sensitive?” By this point, I couldn’t take it anymore and told him that we needed to go…NOW! He started to walk me home, holding my hand, with me telling him that “I’m independent” and that I don’t need anyone to walk me home. Just when I thought the truth is starting to set in with him, we get to his place (which was before mine in the walk) and he tried to kiss me. Sorry dude, but “Stop trying to seduce me!” and “No, I will not make out with you!” escaped my lips, instead of my tongue.

The funny thing is, he didn’t get the hint and still sent me a text the next day thanking me for such a random, fun night! He will never get my phone call back and he certainly will not get near my sensitive places again.”