Revelations of the week

1. I just realized with aghast that while I sit here mindlessly looking at my Facebook newsfeed and getting annoyed with (*cough* jealous of *cough*) everyone’s baby and wedding photos, that I am just like you!! I never shut up about my dating life. My stories might not be as cute as your newborn or as stunning as your white dress, but it’s what I got, so thanks for reading 🙂

2. What I’m about to say will neither shock nor amaze you. I am a monogamist. A serial monogamist. But I’m not just into monogamy when I’m in love or in a committed relationship, I also prefer to date just one guy. After one date or two, I can tell if I want to continue to see the guy at hand and then will proceed to completely ignore any other guys on my radar. I’ve even gone so far as to quit the site where I’m yielding my radar after a couple of good dates. Is my love detector kicking in or am I going about this all wrong? For the record, this repeating feeling isn’t done out of free will; I’m like compelled to do this by some ulterior force. So simply stopping isn’t as easy as just saying no. 

But juggling guys is a very valid method of finding a mate, mainly because it would cause me to not be so obsessed with the “chosen one”. All of my attention wouldn’t be on one dude causing said dude to quiver with the fear of my biological clock ticking. Another great reason to date around is the fact that there are a lot of really great guys out there and if I’m spending all my energy on one great guy, there’s the possibility of even greater guys on the horizon. And if I don’t look, I can’t find ‘em. 

3. Is the real reason I want to find someone the fact that I want to stop searching? I am tired of going on first dates and continuously having to find new guys to date. Maybe I just need to take a break. For real this time. Just go out and do the things I want to do, then quite possibly a good catch will come my way when I least expect it. (Yea, I know, I’ve heard that one before, too…)

At lunch with a friend today, she made a very good point (as she usually does): If my blog is to serve as a chronicle of my life, my dating life is going to look sadly awful. What about the good stuff? What is the funny, happy, or interesting side of dating? And she’s right (as she usually is); I’ve had a really good time being single. I don’t love every minute of it and I don’t want to stay single forever, but my single life can be pretty exceptional.

1. If I’d married any of the guys I’d dated before I turned 29, my husband would most likely have been white. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but because of online dating, I met a Latino. And now, I’m in love with the Latin culture. My experience with Latinos was limited pre-January 2013, so once the culture was introduced into my life, I’ve embraced it; I’m learning Spanish and I’m taking salsa lessons. I’ve eaten so much ridiculously delicious food in the last year and I can officially say that Cuban and Puerto Rican food are definitely a favorite of mine. Most importantly, I really like Latin guys. My match.com profile will definitely host a special search button for them.
2. Since I left small town America, I’ve met and gone on dates with guys from all around the world…Turkey, Ecuador, the Dominican Republic, Cuba, China, England, Scotland, New Zealand, India, and Canada. It’s super interesting to hear about life growing up in other countries and to compare our customs and traditions.
3. Because I date new people on a constant basis, I’m always getting the chance to try new places, eat new foods, and experiment with new things (i.e. salsa dancing). It’s been fun meeting new people with new tastes, favorite restaurants, and interesting hobbies.
4. Single life = single sports leagues! I’ve met some of my closest and newest friends in Chicago by playing S3, a sports league for singles.
5. Talking about boys is the most fun pastime for ladies. Even my aunts ask me about my dating life. My (married with a child) coworker hears all of my dating dramas and shares stories about her dating life before her husband. It’s all my girlfriends and I seem to talk about. What will we gossip about when we’re all married with children?!
6. My dating life has seriously gotten me the BEST blog material! If I didn’t blog about dating, I’d have a really boring blog…my kitchen is now painted blue…I made a new recipe last night…my husband plays his music too loud. Dating blogs are so fun and I get awesome responses from my Facebook friends! Thank you for that!!
7. One of my very first Sassy Hong Kong articles was about dating in the city. This one article catapulted my editing and writing experiences by putting me on the writing staff for Sassy and on the editing staff for CityLife magazine. I had so much fun in the publishing world in Hong Kong!
8. Lastly, I have some of the most entertaining first date horror stories ever. Get me at a dinner party and I have three amazing stories to get the ball rolling. In case you need a good dinner party story, here you go:

• Ear Licker
• Jessie’s Girl
• Angry Man

And while I really am ready to be in a real, committed relationship with a nice, normal, attractive (Latin) man, I can revel in the fact that my life is actually pretty damn good. I might not have everything I ever dreamed I’d have, but I certainly do have a lot for which to be grateful.

In all just seems so good the way we had it
Back before everything became, [algorithmic]

-Miranda Lambert (with a little help)

With a string of failed relationships bobbing in my wake, it’s needless to say that my dating life in Chicago has been less than glorious. When I look back on the last year-and-a-half, there are many bits and bobs to dissect: I realize that how I act in a relationship may need to change, and since my ability to give forth effort and love has at times been unrequited, I may need to reel this part in. But that’s not what I’m here today to analyze; instead, I’d like to focus on the method by which I’m meeting said disasters…I mean, men. In the past year-and-a-bit, I’ve dated guys that I met at a bar, through a contrived singles’ league, and from multiple online dating sites – a mix/match of both organic and algorithmic ways to meet others.

Now that I’m back on the prowl, I’m wondering which of these methods is best. Or maybe the answer is that either can work, depending upon the approach taken. In the past, I’ve met guys only on free dating sites – the key word here is free. I’ve tried really, really hard to not pay to meet a guy. But maybe these free dating sites are free for a reason…both cheap guys and cheap girls can get a cheap thrill. They aren’t for people looking to get serious. People who pay for dating sites are serious about finding love, amiright?

So once I choose a paid site (because apparently that’s where the “I’m ready to settle down” kinda guys are hanging out), my profile will need to be rather direct. Does this mean I should outright state that I want to get married and have kids? That way, there’s no confusion when in two months, I ask, “Where do you see this going?”

The second option for going about this dating thing is organically. To me, that means going about my regular life without my “searching eyes.” I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, the left hand is the 2^nd place my eyes wander on an attractive guy (the first place is his smile). So in this organic way, I need to just go about my business doing the things I like to do: yoga, salsa, maybe learn Spanish in a group setting, book clubs, volunteering, etc. Just be me and not worry about finding someone. “The right person will come along when he’s meant to…” says every married person ever.

The other part of organic dating is meeting guys through friends. I have NEVER met a guy through a friend. Now, that’s either saying something about me or saying something about my friends, and I hope that doesn’t mean my friends don’t think I’m worthy of dating their guy friends. So here’s my call to action – friends, don’t you know any single, funny, worldly, outgoing men who like to travel? C’mon now, hook a girl up! (I shall now step off my soapbox.)

In this rather crucial decision on where to go next in my dating career, I hope that my choice to be a grown up and pay for a dating site or to have fun doing the things I enjoy will pay off. Or they won’t and I’ll be that old spinster at speed dating. I kid, I kid.

If ending a relationship were up to me, I certainly wouldn’t be single this Valentine’s Day…because I’d still be dating my junior high boyfriend. In every break up, there’s a dumper and a dumpee and I am NEVER the dumper. I just…can’t. Even when it’s awful, even when I’m unhappy a good portion of the time. Call me a barnacle, call me a clinger, but I call me an overachiever. I recently read an article that proves me (sorta) right: 

“Overachievers hate failure, and failure is failure, whether it’s work or a relationship. For that reason, overachievers are more likely to stay in a marriage they know is doomed because they’re concerned about how they’ll be perceived if their marriage were to fail.”

Simply put, I hate failing. Once, in high school, I got a B- on a paper. I cried my way to an A-. In many people’s minds a B- isn’t a failure but I wasn’t used to getting that grade and to me it felt like failure and it hurt. So I cried. 

After reading and rereading many of the thoughtful comments on my last posting I realized that I was hanging on again. The guy I was dating very clearly stated that he wouldn’t be in Chicago forever and that he wasn’t sure he wanted a long term relationship. I very clearly still stayed with him. One comment on this post told me to consider my response since I knew his answer. But until tonight, I chose to stick it out and maybe convince him otherwise. 

Where did that leave us? In limbo. And I just. couldn’t. break. it. off. Instead I gave him the choice: break it off or choose to figure out your life here with me in it. But why couldn’t I just make the decision for us? Because what if? What if he’s the one and this is a test? What if he really does like/love me and he’s just scared? But most of all, what if I’m desperately afraid of being alone? 

And, yes, of course I’ve thought of the flip side, that it’s (probably) better to be single than in a relationship that’s going nowhere. I know this, but I’m always paralyzed in this stage in a relationship. And so I just waited for this guy to man up and tell me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Because it’s what I do, I’m a dumpee. And now I’m a single dumpee. Happy Valentine’s Day!!