Within a 36-hour span, I received over 30 unsolicited and unrequited messages on POF from random dudes in Chicago. The guys ranged from 25-45 years old, from clean-cut to tattooed and bald, and with all different professions. The only thing they had in common were their awful, awful ability to send thoughtful, intelligent, or witty messages. Here’s a collection of all of the winners (with some Ashley commentary alongside):

• Hey sexy what’s up with u. (Oh hey, we just met, glad you’re calling me sexy…not!)
• Hi Ashley (Wow, you found my name – good detective work! Now what else do you got?)
• Message me back if you want to have a good conversation. (Confident, aren’t we?)
• HEY HOW ARE U :). (CAPS MAKE IT ALL WORTH IT!)
• Heyyy (Noooo)
• Hi (Original, very original)
• Sounds like you had a fun time traveling and some good stories to go with it.  What was your favorite thing about Southeast Asia?  Im Elias. (Okay, he tried. But I still hate that he forgot the apostrophe.)
• When I fly home I would love to meet you. (Kinda forward, don’t ya think?!)
• Hi Ashley, I’m new to the site. Came across your page and you seem like fun & warm person I’d like to get to know. So what are you passionate about?..What brought you to Hong Kong?..What does child event planning entail? Best, Rio (At least it was a real message, but my passion? Not talking to dummies.)
• Beautiful smile. (Thanks? What now?)
• Hey. (Same guy 20 minutes later:) Hi. (So glad you can’t remember that you JUST emailed me.)
• Hello [with a rose emoticon]. (Aw, a rose?! Just for me???)
• Just stopping to say hey.. Glad to hear your like living in Chicago. Where are you originally from?  You seem like a cool down to earth person. Could I be wrong? Eddie. (Nope, you’re not wrong about that, but you are wrong with your grammar.)
• Hey, Cute smile! How are you? You definitely caught my eye just seeing if there is a way to catch yours? (Sent 11/29). Hey, Cute smile! How are you? You definitely caught my eye just seeing if there is a way to catch yours? (Sent 12/4 from the same guy). (Wow, dude, you tried really hard to copy-and-paste that sh!t.)
• Wow. Love ur profile, we need to meet up. (No we dont <— see how I didn’t spell that correctly?)
• Hey there.  How are you? (I’m good, thanks. Okay, bye!)
• Hi Ashley, where are you from? I want to visit China one day, seems like it would be fun. (You’d fit right in what that cigarette dangling out of your mouth!)
• Hello Ashley 😉 (Winks. Jokes.)
• Hola amiga, how is your evening thus far? (How did you know I’m learning Spanish?!)
• hey how are u i mray im 34 i know ur in chicago im in south burbs wondering if u like to chat wel lhope to hear from u rsay (ur a terrible speller. dun.)
• Hi there! And welcome back to Chicago…I’m sure we are glad to have you here. Are you originally from the area? (Thanks! And, we are.)
• Good morning. My name is Paul. Would you like to talk/chat? That is when you have some free time? (No thanks? I don’t want to chat?)
• Hello how are you (Yup, another one…)
• You are kinda really gorgeous 🙂 I would like to get to know you. (“Kinda really”? I guess I’ll take it.)
• you seem cool from your profile, pretty down to earth. What nationality are you? (How do I answer that? Scandinavian? American?)
• So adorable! Feel free to message me anytime you wish. (I don’t wish.)
• Hey what’s up (Another boring one for good measure.)
• Very nice pictures how are you doing today? (I’m good thanks how are you glad to hear it)
• hey how’s it going? what do you think of this site so far? (Read the last 29 message I got, dude. How do you think it’s going?)
• Hi, nice smile:) (Nice wink^~) in front of the gym mirror.)
• Uh oh (My personal favorite that made it in just in the nick of time.)