“Sometimes it feels like, I’m gonna break

Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take

Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain

And it keeps pouring down

It just keeps coming down.

This life would kill me if I didn’t have you…”

–Thompson Square, “If I Didn’t Have You”

This month has been exceptionally tough for me. It began with my roommate bullying me, calling me a slew of inappropriate names, making it difficult to be at home, let alone eat, think clearly, or be remotely happy. This started the apartment search, which began with me looking by myself for a place that, on my salary, would’ve been a shoebox…literally. This was stressful because I didn’t want to share with too many people the difficulties I was having, so I was working solo on finding a place and no realtor was willing to work with me at my price range. Thankfully, my lovely friend Katie volunteered to be my roomie, but even then, searching for places, talking to a million landlords/realtors, and spending several nights a week visiting everything from downright dumps to terrible neighborhoods to apartments with bedrooms the size of a closet was time-consuming and frustrating. The month ended with a 13% staff layoff in my company. Last Monday morning, we were told that multiple of us would lose our jobs; this set off a tizzy of freaking out situations throughout the following week. Fortunately, I still have a job, but my boss decided to retire early and around 30 of my coworkers were let go and asked to leave immediately. To say the least, my heart rate spiked entirely too many times this March and I was left with many sleepless nights.

Without a home to be comfortable in and with a job from which I had the possibility of being laid off, I could’ve lost my mind this month, but many people stepped up in my life to help take care of me, so this blog post is a big ol’ thank you!!! to these people:

Mom and Dad – Thank you for listening to me, sending me words of encouragement, and packing me to move for the 13^th time in my adult life.

My new roomie, Katie – I’m so grateful it’s working out for us to live together! Not only will I feel comfortable in our new home, but we’re going to have so much fun!

Kira – I appreciate so much the opportunity to hide out at your house on several occasions, namely the day my roommate lashed out on me and the evening when potential roommates came to view my bedroom. You’ve let me talk for hours, so thank you for listening and always giving great advice!

Mario – I feel very lucky to have you in my life this month. Having a place to hide away during the crazy times and a person to not only let me vent, but to make me happy has been paramount in me getting through this month. Thank you!

My many other friends, coworkers, and family – Thanks for all of the words of support; knowing I’m not alone made me feel so much better. I can’t name you all, but I do appreciate it all.

In 5 days, I’ll be completely moved out of my apartment and I luckily still have a job that I enjoy going to each and every day. My situation is getting easier and I look forward to the possibilities ahead!

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While living in Ottawa for three years I accumulated a vast array of decorative pieces turning my large apartment into a home that I loved. Pictures of friends and family littered my shelves, photographs of places I’d traveled to around the world hung on the walls, while vases and pretty adornments were placed throughout. When I moved to Hong Kong, I knew it was temporary so no nails were pounded into the wall and no money was spent on fancy things; instead, the only decoration was a slew of cards I received on a regular basis from family overseas who missed me. This was just a place to reside, even though I did learn to love each foot of those 330 square feet.  Now, I take up exactly 100 sq ft of bedroom space, having left the furnishing to my roommates who allowed me to be a guest in their home. Though this does make packing easier, it certainly doesn’t feel like home…or at least my home anyway. 

So this time I’m going to do it right – I’m excited to make my next house a home! Katie (my new roommate), my parents, and I traveled to Ottawa yesterday to pick through my storage unit. Along with the obligatory dining table and mixing bowls, we packed my old international pictures, a decorative metal tree, and a chandelier I received for Christmas one year. I’m ready to make my new home a warm place where I enjoy being with people I like being around. This apartment won’t be a place to merely sleep, but somewhere where my friends and family feel comfortable visiting, I feel at ease turning on the TV whenever I choose (without feeling scorned), and a sanction for the things I like. Oh, and it’ll be awesome to not wake up to creaking floors at 5:30 every morning and have bitchy roommates. Five days ‘til moving day!!

After going to the yoga retreat in India this past spring, my love affair with all things strange, yogic, and spiritual began. Most recently, I forayed into the potentially loony-bin-type-crazy events, including a guided meditation replete with a gold cleansing, a sound bath with Tibetan singing bowls and a gong, as well as an urban purification sweat lodge. While reading the descriptions of all three, I was certainly intrigued, though left feeling each event slightly empty of some emotion that I was unintentionally seeking. I wanted there to be a breakthrough, an aha! you’ve touched your Divine Self, a “you are finally spiritual” awakening. That has yet to happen, but I certainly am glad I’m trying and enjoy that I’m doing something different. On another positive note, I left all three of these feeling more open-minded, more relaxed, and like karma is on my side.

Guided Meditation with a Gold Cleansing

It was a Sunday morning, after a rather teary Saturday night in. I was being a total girl, worrying about a silly boy. With tears still in my system, I decided that a meditation session would be a great way to cleanse myself of bad boy-juju. After about 50 minutes of guided visual meditation, including blowing up roses aka emotions and bad energy, the facilitator decided that he wanted to cleanse my aura and bring me gold light. He could sense my negative energy when I arrived (he was right), so without touching me, he sent positive light to me. That included wiping away the negative, and sending in the positive. Cooky, I know, but it was nice to be noticed and it’s the thought that counts, right?

Sound Bath with Tibetan Singing Bowls and a Gong

A time to purify yourself, students lie on their mat with their feet facing away from the instruments so that negative energy leaves the body through the feet. For over an hour, the artist played the bowls and a gong – seriously, who knew that the gong could make so many different sounds?! It was rather relaxing, but I found myself too out-of-tune with what was supposed to be happening. My mind kept jumping around and not allowing itself to be overcome by the sounds. When the gong was really loud, though, I could feel the vibrations passing through my body, and I’m pretty sure that’s how it was meant to feel the entire time – the bad shit leaving through the feet. While I only really gleaned 5 minutes of cleansing, I did get in a nice rest and relaxation time, so it wasn’t a total bust.

Urban Purification Sweat Lodge

Facilitated by a student of a Native American “grandfather,” this sweat lodge was the city version of an Indian sweat lodge. Butterfly Woman, our guide, walked us through what a traditional experience would be like, including sharing our intentions, as well as prayers for ourselves and others. Again, this was a chance to purify our energies and obtain positive light within ourselves. With the lights off, sitting in a sauna, 8 women passed around a turkey wing (haha, yes, a turkey wing; it’s meant to symbolize the attunement with Mother Nature) and shared what we wanted for our life, our loved ones, and for the world. It was very ritualistic and it felt good to say out loud everything I desire for the upcoming year, and the hopes I have for my family and friends. If your nose itched last night, that might mean I was thinking about you and sending positive energy your way.

At the sake of sounding like a madwoman, I’m quite glad I’m opening myself to new things and trying stuff I would’ve never done before. I had a few self-awakenings during yoga teacher training, and I’m sure that more will come with more practice and when I find the right guru or medium to get me there.

I have so many great, wonderful things in my life that make me happy: my family, my job, living in Chicago, new friends and old, a past to be proud of, but I still feel a tinge of unhappiness or sadness, like I’m missing something. As if all of the puzzle pieces but one are there; I’m incomplete. And this one missing piece is the final key to happiness. I’ve looked in small towns, across the world in big cities, on yoga retreats, and on the streets of Chicago. What am I searching for? Is it love and companionship? Is that what’s missing from the puzzle? If so, I can’t wait around for it; I need to start being happy without it. And then when it arrives, I’ll know how to be my true self, my genuinely happy self with that person and not because of that person. 

This means that I need to start a happiness project of my own. How can I become this truly happy person that I deserve to be? First, I think I need to start partaking in activities that I find fun, pleasing, and relaxing. So, find/start a book club, join a yoga studio, start meditating, take ballet classes again, and cooking more at home are all New Years’ resolutions. I also need to find my Sassy Hong Kong. I’m jonesing to get writing again and to see my name in print. Yoga, of course, is important to me, too, so I want to start looking for teaching jobs. I had a lead the other day that I’m excited to see where it may go. 

Next, I need to make new friends. I’ve been lucky to meet some great girls in the city so far, but I need more great people in my life. Whether that means going to more meetup groups by myself, talking to more people in social settings, or meeting friends of friends, I need to get myself out there. This includes dating. In the modern day and at 29 years old, I think dating is a fun part of life that doesn’t necessarily mean love, but the chance to try new things and meet new people. 

Lastly and probably most importantly, I need to learn to let go. Relax. Stop being a control freak. Stop judging others and worry about me. Chill the f*ck out. My new (but learned long ago) trick is every time a negative thought crosses my mind, a positive one needs to follow it. For example, my roommate left a nasty note the other day. Instead of responding, I simply threw it in the garbage, and every time her rude comments flitted back to my mind, I told myself, “It doesn’t matter, it was just a note.” I didn’t talk about it to other people, and didn’t fret over it. Now, I don’t care about it. This is where meditation and yoga come into my life more often. I’m also hoping it’ll help me be nicer to people, especially my mom (there’s another New Year’s resolution).

I’m not much for resolutions, never really made them before. So here’s to sticking to a plan and becoming happy. Cheers!

The thankful season is upon us and with this time, we reflect upon all that makes us grateful and appreciative in our lives. I have a bevy of things and people to be thankful for:

*My parents are the best! Not only have they moved me 12 times in 15 years, they’ve sent me away to live in a foreign country for 2 years, helped me financially when I wasn’t on my own two feet, let me live at their house when I needed it, and all around are supportive of my choices. When I said that I wanted to move to Asia, they were shocked and sad, but let me spread my wings. When I said that I wanted to quit teaching, my mom didn’t even flinch when she told me to do what made my heart happy. I am definitely lucky!

*My entire family may be a bit on the crazy side, but they, too, are extremely supportive and open-minded to the many changes I’ve made in recent years. I get frequent texts from my Aunt Joyce telling me how proud she is of me and that she loves me. My cousins are funny and we all get along so well. Matthew and Kristen are star-quality siblings who gave me an adorable, sweet niece whom I love to pieces.

*I’m so glad I’ve had the experiences in my life that I’ve had. Even the “bad” things that’ve happened to me have helped me grow to be a more independent and well-rounded person. Having lived in a small town, in Hong Kong, and now Chicago means I’m lucky to have choices and an education to support my thirst for new things. Illinois Wesleyan was the perfect school for me to attend, living in Ottawa taught me life lessons, and living abroad taught me the self-determination to do what I need in my life.

*I’ll be forever grateful for yoga being a part of my life. Everyone needs a stress relief, and not only do I get relaxation from yoga, I also get peace of mind, flexibility, strength, and all-around happiness. Also, the fact that I really wanted to do yoga teacher training allowed me to not go back to teaching and find a job that I hope will really fulfill my career needs and my heart’s needs.

*True friends are few and far between, but because they’re true friends that means they’re genuine people who care for each other. I am fortunate to have met so many great people living in HK that I can still call friends. I also have friends from high school and a select few from college that I know will be at my wedding someday (in the not so near future). Thankfully, I can also call my family my friends because they always have been and always will be there for me.

*Lastly, I’m thankful for the opportunity I have at hand. A job that really impacts others’ lives, money to afford a nice apartment with funny roommates, and a bright future full of friends, family, and love.

The interview process has been progressing making me ponder my life as an at-home-worker. Soon, I’m sure I’ll be working out of an office, commuting to work, and dealing with other people. But, for now, I’m enjoying spending my time working from home and here’s why:

*Not waking up to an alarm – for my entire life, an alarm has ruled my early morning hours, screaming at me to take a shower, go to school, eat breakfast, get to work. For the last 2 months, I’ve woken up on my own accord, when my body says I’ve gotten enough sleep. It is glorious. I still wake up fairly early – anywhere between the hours of 6am and 8 – but my body really appreciates getting up when it wants to.

*In bed ‘til noon – even though I wake up early, sometimes I stay in the cozy warmth of my bed until noon; I’m not sleeping or reading or laying there the whole time, but usually working or applying for jobs. It’s nice to stay in my pajamas and choose to shower when I want.

*The food – maybe the scale doesn’t appreciate it (or maybe that’s just me reading the scale), but at home, there is always a plethora of food. I don’t have to worry about eating a school lunch or waiting in line for the microwave, I can just eat when I’m hungry. I used to sneak food when my students “weren’t looking” because I was just so darn hungry, so now when I’m feeling a hunger pain, I can walk 3 steps to the kitchen and check out what leftovers there are or what new recipes I want my mom to make for dinner.

*Welcome distractions – sometimes work is boring, as I’m sure you can all concur, so if I want to get on Facebook, I can; if I want to catch up on an episode of Dexter, I will; if the dishes need to be done, I’ll wash them. It’s not only a brain break, it keeps my parents’ house clean. That also means I can run errands if I want to or call up my grandma to go get ice cream.

*No need to get dressed up – sometimes I stay in my pajamas all day and usually I don’t worry about putting on make-up. Not only am I saving money on not buying clothes (which I have only bought 1 piece of clothing since July!!) or make-up, I am comfortable.

*No commute – everyday on FB I see people pissed off at their Chicago commute, and in HK I was traveling by bus or train everyday for at least 45 minutes one way. I do not miss those days and I do not look forward to the future with them, so for now, I’ll revel in the fact that the furthest I have to go to do work is down the stairs or, if I’m feeling frisky, in my car to Panera.

I’m sure these lazy days won’t last forever, but I’m glad to have them while they’re here.