When girls get together, we talk about boys; it’s inevitable, even only when we’ve just met one another. At a recent alumnae Kappa brunch (which, on a side note, I’m psyched about finding – new friends, new restaurants!), a girl mentioned a book she was reading about relationships. In the grand scheme of finding a partner, you can’t be too picky, it states. Instead, choose a top three that you just can’t live without.

This teensy list is hard to do because every time I meet a guy, another thing I “just can’t stand” gets added to my list. Chews with his mouth open? No-no. Fidgets like he’s missing his meth? Buh-bye. Wears sneakers on a first date? Don’t call me again! By now, my ever-growing list has become an eyesore and a brain-sore. Maybe the fidgeter who wore white socks and dress shoes was really funny and intelligent, but I just couldn’t get past the glaring white beneath the table.

If I continue to live this way, I’ll end up with a ridiculous amount of particulars and single. Lists don’t cuddle very well or buy me fancy dinners. That means no more hard-nosed judging, only open-mindedness. So what are the three things I just can’t live without? Hell, I don’t know! Who can only pick three things to like about a guy! So, here’s my list that I can whittle down at a later date:

1.    Attractive – I don’t care that I put it as #1, this shit is important! If I don’t want to suck your face at the end of the first date, then I certainly will not want to go any further every day for the rest of my life. I won’t get too particular here, though, because I don’t necessarily prefer blondes over brunettes, 7 foot tall or 5 foot 8, muscular vs. hipster skinny.

2.    Chemistry – Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Sparks usually occur within the first 10 seconds of meeting someone, but if it’s true chemistry, the sparks will last through the entire first date, continuing through the first make-out sess, and into every date thereafter. That includes the thrill of hearing the ding of a text message and the anticipation before each date.

3.    Affable – It’s true, that if you aren’t nice to me, my dad, my brother, my 27 uncles, and my niece will all kick your ass. But, that’s not really what I mean here. True gentlemen open the door, pay for the first date, and offer to hold to your purse. All kidding aside since this isn’t Hong Kong, what I really mean is that guys I date need to be socially aware, nice to waiters, smile when others talk to them, etc.  Affable guys are happy and polite.

4.    Good sense of humor – I like to laugh (don’t we all??), so if you aren’t funny, then you aren’t getting any. I’m a pretty easy laugh, but I don’t do corny and I don’t do stupid. Sarcasm is gold in my book, so if you can use your wit, gold star for you!

5.    Cultured – I’ve traveled the world and I need a man who’s seen more than just the Midwest. Cornfields are great and all, but a passport is better. You don’t have to have been to 20 countries or even outside of the U.S…er…North America, okay, even if you’ve only left once…to another continent. It’s important to me that the guy I’m with is accepting of others that are different than him and understand that America may be the land of the beautiful, but that even more beautiful things lie outside of these boundaries. Part of being cultured is being intelligent and non-judgmental.

Now, these top 5 are purposely vague so as to be open to interpretation by my psyche when I meet a guy. This list isn’t that hard to accomplish, but when you add in the 100 other things I’m judging every guy on, then it’s no freakin’ wonder I’m single. Okay, I’m working on that! Top 5 – boom!