Filling the Void in my Heart

The literal female human heart weighs only 8 ounces, a mere .3% of the average female’s body weight. The figurative heart, though, makes up a much larger percentage of a female.

When I think about my life and the things I love most, my figurative heart is nearly full of contentment, happiness, and pride. I’d say my happiness level is at a steady 90%. With work, hobbies, volunteering, teaching yoga, and seeing family + friends, my general daily life is pretty darn great. And while I’d love to focus on these positives – hell, 90% is fantastic – I regularly lament that 10%.

Until only recently did I think that void could be filled solely with a loving partner and a family. Actually, it wasn’t until I started to formulate my ideas for this blog post that I fully realized I’ve previously filled that 10% and even brimmed over it on many, many occasions. Sometimes these moments are fleeting, including my “I love Hong Kong moments” and my “I love Chicago moments“, and sometimes they’re longer: when I’ve been in love and when I’m traveling. Also, now that I’m back from Hong Kong, whenever I see my friends from there, watch videos, or read articles about it, I am teeming with an overflowing love and gratitude for my years there.

While experiencing each of these 100%-fully-charged moments, I get goosebumps and the tingles. My heart swells and I can’t get a smile off my face. When I’m traveling, I call this my “vacation self.” On our family trip to Tucson last year, my family showed up frazzled and annoyed. I was just smiling away. I kept musing, “I love traveling” to everyone and no one. The annoyances didn’t faze me. Ain’t nobody could get me down. It’s why I travel so often. I just love feeling so happy. It’s expensive and it takes time out of my regular life, but that carefree feeling gets me every single time.

The beginning stages of a relationship also have me feeling on cloud 9 – complete with all that walking on air, parting the seas, invincible feelings. It’s what I crave when I’m single. Yes, I do want to be with someone forever and have a family. But what I think I miss most is that high; I miss feeling 100%.

When I met Harry earlier this year and was telling my parents about him, my dad told me that I looked so happy – he could physically see the difference in me. Ultimately, that relationship didn’t work out, but the contentment I felt at the beginning was clear to outsiders.

I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks now and I’ve noticed how much happier I am on a consistent basis. There’s a pep in my step. A good song in my head. Birdies tweeting on my shoulder. I feel 100% as if everything is going right in my life. Not because I think he’s “the one,” because lord knows I have no idea, but because everything feels right. My 90% was already there and that happy “he’s just that into me” feeling is helping fill that 10% void.

Okay, so this was *before* Cinderella found her prince, but those birdies!!

I’d like to be clear here that I’m not always 90%. I get down, anxious, and sad more often than I’d like. But those negative days always seem a little brighter when I’m traveling or dating a really good man.


{Side bar – clearly I wasn’t traveling, having an “I love moment,” or dating anyone when I met my friend and he told me I didn’t look happy.}

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