If ending a relationship were up to me, I certainly wouldn’t be single this Valentine’s Day…because I’d still be dating my junior high boyfriend. In every break up, there’s a dumper and a dumpee and I am NEVER the dumper. I just…can’t. Even when it’s awful, even when I’m unhappy a good portion of the time. Call me a barnacle, call me a clinger, but I call me an overachiever. I recently read an article that proves me (sorta) right: 

“Overachievers hate failure, and failure is failure, whether it’s work or a relationship. For that reason, overachievers are more likely to stay in a marriage they know is doomed because they’re concerned about how they’ll be perceived if their marriage were to fail.”

Simply put, I hate failing. Once, in high school, I got a B- on a paper. I cried my way to an A-. In many people’s minds a B- isn’t a failure but I wasn’t used to getting that grade and to me it felt like failure and it hurt. So I cried. 

After reading and rereading many of the thoughtful comments on my last posting I realized that I was hanging on again. The guy I was dating very clearly stated that he wouldn’t be in Chicago forever and that he wasn’t sure he wanted a long term relationship. I very clearly still stayed with him. One comment on this post told me to consider my response since I knew his answer. But until tonight, I chose to stick it out and maybe convince him otherwise. 

Where did that leave us? In limbo. And I just. couldn’t. break. it. off. Instead I gave him the choice: break it off or choose to figure out your life here with me in it. But why couldn’t I just make the decision for us? Because what if? What if he’s the one and this is a test? What if he really does like/love me and he’s just scared? But most of all, what if I’m desperately afraid of being alone? 

And, yes, of course I’ve thought of the flip side, that it’s (probably) better to be single than in a relationship that’s going nowhere. I know this, but I’m always paralyzed in this stage in a relationship. And so I just waited for this guy to man up and tell me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Because it’s what I do, I’m a dumpee. And now I’m a single dumpee. Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Using my wily online dating skills, I met a guy in December. We hit it off and have been dating ever since. With him, I tried the casual approach – not freaking out when he didn’t text me at 8am sharp, seeing him occasionally and letting the wedding balls start to ring only in the very distant recesses of my brain. It seemed to be working for me, this not in-your-face, “please love me right now” tactic. 

But then last week I asked the question on every girl’s brain when she meets a rad dude: Where do you see this going? I promise you that I was cool and collected when I brought it up, “Just curious if you see this turning into something…someday…ya know, when it gets there.” He shed his usual sarcasm and honestly told me that he did like spending time with me, but that someday he probably wanted to try living somewhere else so it wasn’t in the forefront of his mind to be in a serious, committed relationship.

I appreciate his honesty, but him saying that puts a definite kink in the plan. I don’t date people just to date them – it’s a waste of time – I date people to find out if they’re marriage material. And, yes, I did just clearly state three paragraphs away that I was taking this one casually, but it’s in the back of nearly every single girl’s mind when she meets someone – is he Mr. Right Now or Mr. Forever? I’m 30 years old, I don’t have time to waste on guys who aren’t worth it. I want to be married and have a baby so badly that even when I see pictures of babies, I start to get a bit misty-eyed. 

Since this conversation, the guy has seemed distant. Maybe I’m making things up, but my instincts are kicking in that something is awry. I had a similar feeling with another dude that I met online (there’s a trend, I know) in November and there was instant chemistry. We talked every day, we saw each other often, and I thought all was going swimmingly. So, I bring up the, “Where do you see this going” talk and asked if he thought it was a good idea to just see each other. He agreed – willingly – no water boarding or gun-to-the-head was involved.

When he left after the “talk,” I had a sinking feeling – similar to the one I have right now. I’d done something wrong. Something wasn’t right. But I was. He never again contacted me. Ever. I mean a month of talking constantly turned into cold hard silence. I gave up after three texts and a few fitful nights of sleep.

You’ve heard my two stories, now answer me this: Am I cursed? Or am I an idiot for scaring the living hell out of guys by asking them where they see our future going? Okay, maybe I am an idiot, but I’ve lasted a full month or two months before having the talk (and, by the way, it’s not even the talk of “let me call you my boyfriend” which is much scarier in my mind). I’ve pushed back my every instinct after date 2 to stake my claim, so why can’t guys push back their fear and just be honest?

If guys don’t want to be in a relationship, why do they date at all? Yes, sex and someone to keep them warm on a cold winter’s night, I get that. But, haven’t they learned that most girls have dreams of more than hand-holding next to the heater? And this begs the question: Why don’t they want that, too?

I may never figure out the psyche of a man, so instead of beating my head against the wall every time I get a “Rejected” stamp across my forehead, I’m going to pick up my proverbial boot straps and keep on going.

Important note: As of the publication of this post, I’m still supposed to see my guy today, so it isn’t over yet, but the “something’s up” feeling persists. It ain’t over yet, and let’s hope that my gut is wrong and it was just the Chinese food we ordered on Friday.

Recently, an ex of mine from Hong Kong popped into my head so I searched my gmail for old messages in order to find his email address. For giggles, I reread our exchanges; I’d completely forgotten how smitten I’d been with him. Even though he’d done so in a very gentlemanly way, he had rebuked my advances toward a relationship. Wasn’t it fun to be casual? And, yes, of course, we had fun, but I wanted to be in a relationship. I stuck it out for nearly six months with this guy who had clearly stated he did not want to be in a relationship, though he did enjoy my company. 

This same “city guy, just wanna have fun” syndrome has afflicted many guys I’ve met in a city, Chicago and Hong Kong alike. 

I was recently in a relationship, and I stuck it out even when it was awful. There’s this vivid memory I keep coming back to: we’d gone out dancing and when we returned he accused me of staring at other guys. I hadn’t been, clearly, but he was adamant. He yelled and sulked, I sobbed. If I’d ever imagined this situation before meeting this guy, I’d have walked out. Been done. Never stayed with someone who made me feel so bad. That was March, we broke up in July. I persisted, as I’d done with the guy in Hong Kong. Why? 

If you’ve never heard of or read 40 Days of Dating, you’re about to become addicted. While reading the blog, I wrote down a few lines that stuck out and this one describes my problem quite accurately:

“Truthfully, when I find something I like, I want it all the time. I know I can have a slightly obsessive personality. This can apply to a song, a restaurant, a piece of clothing, a type of makeup, or a kind of food. I can be the same with relationships. If I am really into a guy, I am totally cool to hang out as much possible. Weekend trips, family events, work parties, bring it on!”

Here, here! Besides the slightly obsessive personality trait that I, too, possess, I can qualify my behavior a bit more: I’d really like to be out of the dating stage and into the “I love you, let’s get married” stage, yet I clearly have difficulty articulating between what’s “I love you” and what’s “you’re fun, but…” This deserves a bit more practice, so in the spirit of New Year’s resolutions, I vow to look out for me and my best interest. I won’t get too addicted and I won’t make a fool of myself. Cheers to that!

There’s this little thing called trust that I don’t always do very well. I trust my family and I trust my friends, but I have a really, really hard time trusting guys. The last three guys I dated were liars, told me one thing to please me, then did another thing that I might not like. When I learned the truth, not only did it piss me off, it made me leery to open myself up again. Even when I thought I’d met a prince, he was two-faced. And with one confirmed cheater and one probable cheater in my rearview mirror, my ability to trust men is slim. 

When I meet a great guy, I really would love to erase my past in order to erase the distrust so I can give him the benefit of the doubt, but history tells me that people can lie. “I’m playing poker with the guys” could mean “I have a date with some other girl.” Or “I’m really sleepy” could really just be his subtle way of saying he doesn’t want to see me. 

So how do I kick the habit of jumping to conclusions? How do I learn to trust again? Will I know when I’ve found the right guy? Jealousy and distrust sabotage relationships, so I need to figure this out before I ruin what could be a good thing. 

I was watching a documentary recently about a woman searching for love and I really liked a line from it: “Let go. You can’t control love.” It’s rather apropos given where my head can get when I meet someone new. I can’t control the guy; I can’t control what he does or how he feels. I can’t even control how I feel. But, I can let myself be happy and that’s really all I can ask for.

I have post-its on my computer and notes in my phone with quotes that I really like. Here’s another great one from Mr. Bob Marley: “He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”