Trust

November 22, 2013 Ashley Leave a comment

There’s this little thing called trust that I don’t always do very well. I trust my family and I trust my friends, but I have a really, really hard time trusting guys. The last three guys I dated were liars, told me one thing to please me, then did another thing that I might not like. When I learned the truth, not only did it piss me off, it made me leery to open myself up again. Even when I thought I’d met a prince, he was two-faced. And with one confirmed cheater and one probable cheater in my rearview mirror, my ability to trust men is slim.

When I meet a great guy, I really would love to erase my past in order to erase the distrust so I can give him the benefit of the doubt, but history tells me that people can lie. “I’m playing poker with the guys” could mean “I have a date with some other girl.” Or “I’m really sleepy” could really just be his subtle way of saying he doesn’t want to see me.

So how do I kick the habit of jumping to conclusions? How do I learn to trust again? Will I know when I’ve found the right guy? Jealousy and distrust sabotage relationships, so I need to figure this out before I ruin what could be a good thing.

I was watching a documentary recently about a woman searching for love and I really liked a line from it: “Let go. You can’t control love.” It’s rather apropos given where my head can get when I meet someone new. I can’t control the guy; I can’t control what he does or how he feels. I can’t even control how I feel. But, I can let myself be happy and that’s really all I can ask for.

I have post-its on my computer and notes in my phone with quotes that I really like. Here’s another great one from Mr. Bob Marley: “He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

Dating

You and Me Goin’ Fishin’ in the Dark

November 20, 2013 Ashley Leave a comment

I joined the online dating site, Plenty of Fish, a mere 2 days before going on my first date. 24 hours later, date #2 did a whirlwind in and out. Date #3…well date #3 has turned into a whole lot more dates. Here’s the dish:

Sunday, Date 1: Nice guy, lots of money (not that I care in the least about money, but he drove a pretty sweet ride), fairly good chat. Would’ve probably seen him again, but POF was blowing up my phone so I definitely had the potential to meet someone more up my alley. To be fair to guys like this, I’ve decided it’s best to be honest about the fact that there isn’t a romantic connection. It’s not the easiest text in the world to send, but it beats the constant “Good morning, beautiful” texts I got when I said nothing at all. Some guys just don’t get the hint.

Monday, Date 2: Got tipsy, ate some crappy pasta, and listened to a ridiculously smart guy tell me about all of his college degrees and the 45 medical clinics in Africa that he built. One word = smug. In 11 words = I wanted to pull my hair out and then punch him. In the middle of me sharing my “life story,” he clasped his hands together and said, “Let me tell you about me…” Uhhh, sure, dude, go for it. Check, please! P.S. I wrote this in the bathroom in the middle of the date haha

Tuesday, Date 3: This guy has turned into dates 4, 5, 6, and 7. I’d say POF has done me good. And, yes, those are all of the details you’re privy to at this point. Stay tuned…if you’re lucky.

Dating

Ashley’s Top Ten Gripes About Online Dating

November 10, 2013 Ashley Leave a comment

Alright, I’ll admit it: I went back to the online dating world. Yes, I promised to multiple of you that I’d “take a break” and “see what came my way” and “wouldn’t try so hard”…well that all went out the window on a bored Friday afternoon at work. There I was writing 12 essays for my annual review and my eyes started to glaze over, my brain started to go numb; I had to entertain myself! And what better entertainment than a bunch of goofs on the Internet looking for love?? So I downloaded the phone app called Plenty of Fish and started fishing for dates. Bonus: got a guy’s number within 5 hours of being on the site. Bonus 2: A Top Ten List of things I already hate about online dating from the mere 36 hours I’ve been on. Enjoy!

Selfies – Why are there so many pictures of you by yourself with your outstretched arm framing the side of the pic and a sourpuss smirk? And why are there twelve pictures with the same facial expression and the same arm on your profile? Yes, I’m talking to you dark15672, latin0, and 345,000 others. Why why why?!
Only saying “hi” – I realize that out in the real world, the first thing you say to a person is “hi”, but this ain’t the real world, honey. You have an entire profile’s worth of material to work from and all you can say is, “hi” (maybe a winky face next to it to make it even more genuine)?!? Try harder. Next!
Copying and pasting – I’m just as lazy as the next guy, but when I can clearly tell that you’ve held down your finger, pressed copy, got to my message, held down your finger again for paste that’s pure laziness. Shit, I’ve even been called Sheila these dudes are so lazy! See gripe #2 – read first, then respond.
Outright asking for sex – This site is called “Plenty of Fish”, not “Plenty of Hoebags”. Done.
i instead of I – It’s not hard to hold down the smart-phone-version-of-a-Shift-key. Do it and do it often…like every time you’re talking about yourself.
Bad grammar – I wrote a whole blog about being the grammar police the last time around. Read it here : )
Pictures of your guns – Don’t mind seeing your muscles, but I do have a real problem with pictures of guns, knives, nunchucks, and brass knuckles. Kudos to you for being in the military or a police officer, but when you only have 5 spots for a picture, you choosing weapons is scary to me. Next!
Pictures of your dogs – Seriously, dogs and puppies = so cute! Again, 5 picture spots and 3 are of your dogs (and not you)…hmmm are you hiding something?
Pictures of you at the gym – You’re swoll, awesome. Well I’m really good at reading, but I don’t have a picture of me with my Nook. I’m also a yoga instructor, but you don’t see me doing Downward Facing Dog on my profile.
Pictures of you with your (ex)girlfriend – Baggage should not be something you brag about on POF. Your smile might be awesome in the pic, but it’s probably because you’re. next. to. your. girlfriend. Figure out the “crop” function on your smart phone, please, before posting.

Now, do you think I can post a link to this blog posting on my POF profile so that dudes with any of the above WON’T contact me?? Sigh…

Living Life and Yoga, Too

Pain in the Neck

October 30, 2013 Ashley 2 Comments

For the past two months, I’ve been in some degree of pain practically every day. It’s put me in multiple different medical offices with no final answers. It began with some upper arm irritation and since it wasn’t my whole muscle, it was most likely caused by the nerves. I’d had a similar sensation a year ago and my chiropractor uncle fixed me up real quick. When it happened again, off to a new chiropractor in the city I went, where I was put on a biweekly dose of massage therapy and chiropractic adjustments. But the pain got worse. Some days, I’d get terrible headaches, one day my left pinky finger went numb, and that same upper arm irritation came back for about 5 hours preceded by discomfort in my left forearm.

Was it possible that my newly-found obsession with grinding my teeth at night was the culprit? I’m wearing a night guard now and bought a pillow to help align my neck while I sleep. Can I blame the bump in my upper neck at the base of my skull? My chiro diagnosed this “bump” as a transverse process – the bony part of your vertebrae that should be symmetrical, but in my case was most likely slightly off-kilter. Even to this day, to the touch, this bump is really sensitive.

At its worst, I was having consistent headaches which started at the crown of my head, leading to my jaw, the back of my neck, and as far down as my shoulder blade – all on the left side. I continued to see my chiropractor and massage therapist, but the pain thrived. An X-ray revealed that my cervical spine is straightened and not curved like it’s meant to be; whether that’s something that has developed over time or I was born with it, I’m not too sure. A later MRI revealed that I have the beginning stages of arthritis in my C1, C2, and C3 vertebrae most likely affiliated with the neck straightening.

It also showed something that gave both my chiropractor and myself pause: a probable cyst at the base of my skull. Was this the cause of the headaches? Does it need to be surgically removed? All questions for a neurologist! Off to the second doctor I went. The neuro reviewed my MRI results and said there was nothing to be concerned about, the cyst was most likely there from birth and wouldn’t be the reason why I was getting headaches. Actually all good news came from the neurologist. She saw no reason for worry and sent me on my way to a physical therapist who could help loosen and simultaneously strengthen the muscles in my neck.

More good news: the headaches have more or less disappeared leaving me with residual discomfort in my upper back, neck, jaw, or head at times. I went to the PT for the first time yesterday and she seemed positive that she could help.

I’ve spent hundreds of dollars (thank goodness for insurance or it would would be thousands) and told my story at least half a dozen times to different medical professionals. I still don’t know why this pain manifested, but a way to live with it and quite possibly diminish it altogether will be the best end result I could ask for at this point.

Living Life and Yoga, Too

Kappa Konnection

October 23, 2013 Ashley 1 Comment

In college, being a Kappa was really fun; not only did it bring plenty of social opportunities, it also was the perfect way to make friends. Throw 50 girls in a house add water and voila! instant friends. And for the four years of college, that proved true for many girls. It’s the aftermath – the post-college era – that proved to be the difficult part: how to stay friends with people whilst living in different states, different countries, and different stages of life.

According to Facebook, that “Kappa Konnection” proved strong enough to sustain friendships for many of my Kappa sisters. They’re bridesmaids for the Kappa bride, they attend Homecoming together, and throw each other baby showers. My konnection didn’t withstand the test of time with a single Kappa from Wesleyan until I moved, of all places, to Hong Kong. Here, I met several Kappas from other universities and whether or not we became fast friends or mere Facebook friends, these ladies became an important part of my time overseas. One girl helped me in my first few weeks in Asia (P.S. I teared up reading this oldie!), another introduced me to new friends, and all of them were fun girls to share a Thursday night cocktail hour.

While I may not have remained forever friends with these Hong Kong Kappas, it did demonstrate the value of joining a sorority. In the spirit of making new friends, I’ve joined the Kappa alumna loop group here in Chicago where I’ve participated in activities like book club and dinners out. Again, I’ve met nice girls with whom I’ve gotten along for the two hour events, but haven’t made the konnection that I’ve been searching for with my fellow sorority sisters.

But, I think I may have finally found my Kappa groove by joining the advisory board at the Loyola chapter. I’m advising a college junior, Fran, who is the Education officer; within this role, I help Fran plan events that teach girls about the history of KKG and importance of the fraternity. We recently had Founders Day which celebrated the six women who began Kappa Kappa Gamma at Monmouth College 143 years ago. Before the celebration, I sat through a chapter meeting with the undergrads. Surrounded by 100 girls with a kommon purpose helped me remember why I became a Kappa in college: the komraderie, the friendship, and the fun. Despite not having everlasting friendships from my Kappa experiences, I can be very thankful for the four great years I spent at 105 E. Graham St. and the new experiences I’ve gained as an alumna. So, I’ll say it again, thank heavens I’m a Kappa!

Chicago, Dating

“You Lose Some, You Tie Some”

October 16, 2013 Ashley 1 Comment

Well, it’s no secret; my softball/kickball team is awful. With 4 games under our belt, we have a 0-3-1 record with approximately 15 runs scored total (the best team has probably over 50 if that explains anything). The last two games were murder, 45 minutes of hell x2. Error after error, out after out after out. Team morale is subpar; even our opponents don’t relish in their victories.

All was not in vain by joining this league, though, as I’ve made multiple great girlfriends with whom I can see continuing to be friends and I’ve been on a date with a guy from my team (date 2 is Saturday!).

Another homerun is the drinking. I’m no alcoholic but I’ve played more drinking games (flippy cup and fingers) in the past month than I’ve played in the last 12 years and had a ball! It’s the socializing in the league that have made the 6 weeks of “athletic” torture worth it.

Tonight is our final game and my fingers are crossed that we pull a W. Otherwise, I may just have to bust out my deck of cards for a round of Circle of Death to help drown in my sporty sorrows. Though I’m sure all will be forgotten when I’m on date 2 or when I’m cheers-ing with my new friends.

New City Life Adventure