Without revealing the whole gory story, all I’ll say is that the person who once told me that he could see me being his wife and I have broken up. 

Here are the top 7 things I hate about break ups:

1. Having your heart taken out, shaken around, and then clumsily placed back inside. Good luck functioning in real life for the next few weeks, Ash.

2. Not being able to eat sucks. I love food – even if I am picky – and feeling like I’d rather throw up than eat is downright awful.

3. I also really like sleep which has been eluding me for a while. 

4. My life plan that I mapped out with someone is now shredded up and thrown out the window. I always have my own plan, but that whole moving in, marriage, kids thing is adios. 

5. Dating again. Goddamn do I hate dating. I loathe the idea of finding new people to try out. First dates are hell. Opening myself up to the potential of more heartbreak is terrifying. Now it’s back to checking out every attractive guy’s left hand again…you know, just in case. 

6. Losing my companion will be particularly hard. I moved to Chicago without knowing many people. I met heartbreaker and he became my social life. What the hell do I do every Saturday night now?!?! FML

7. I also disdain the idea that everyone feels bad for me. No sympathy please. (And no questions either…) But please do pass my phone number along so OKCupid is not my next option. Gah, I hate dating (did you see #5??)

In college, I made a whole mess of mistakes when it came to my dating life…most specifically when dating a guy for two years and I never again slept in my own bed, forgot all of my friends, quit the cheerleading squad, and isolated myself from the general populous. As soon as I met him, I focused on “we” and never again on “me” – the largest mistake I’ve ever made in my life…ever!

Since we broke up, I haven’t been in a real, true relationship until now. I casually dated while secretly (well, not always so secret if you read my blog in Hong Kong…) hoping that the right guy would sweep me off my feet. It was a long seven years, but my feet have officially been swept. Mario is a wonderful man and we’ve grown to really care for one another. Recently, though, I’ve noticed myself falling into my same “we” routine. I sleep in my own bed most nights, have minimal friends to lose, no cheerleading squad to abandon, and haven’t gone so far as to shun myself away. That being said, I’m catching myself making Mario the center of my attention. Not only would that be history repeating itself in a very, very bad way, but it has the potential to lead to Mario’s suffocation…and I quite like him so I’d like to keep him alive for a while.

So…how does one stop the crazy and get her own life?? Damn if I know, but I’m dead set on making it right. I don’t want to lose the “me” I’ve grown into the past few years, so here’s the plan:

First, I made a list of all the things I want to do by myself, including fulfilling and happiness-inducing activities:

1. Yoga – quite obvious, but I’ve been neglecting it in my life lately. I’d like to go at least twice a week, if not more. Not only do I want the exercise, yoga makes me calmer, more stress-free, and smilier.

2. Ballet – I took ballet classes for many years growing up and even tried it in Hong Kong. I wouldn’t mind donning some ballet shoes and practicing my plies again. Plus, my booty will get toned – bonus!

3. Become a Big Sister – I’ve applied to the program and have orientation today. It’ll give me purpose and a chance to be around kiddos again.

4. Yoga teacher training – yes, I know that I’ve just gotten my certificate but there’s another level I can work toward. So I’m meeting up with an advisor soon to hear more. It’s definitely not a done deal, but a possibility after I get myself back in shape (see #1).

5. Merengue classes – I’ve always liked dancing and have pretty good rhythm for a white girl. Why not try something my boyfriend is good at so we can do it together. Bonding!!!

7. Spanish classes – my Latino love may have some influence here, but again why not learn something that’ll bring us closer together? And I’d like to be able to have a conversation with his parents someday down the road…

8. Writing or proofing – Sassy Hong Kong was good for me; I found a lifelong passion, all while making new friends and trying new things. I believe it’s time to bust out CraigsList and Google to see what I can find.

And while this list is great, it doesn’t mean anything if I don’t act on it. So now I need a plan of action. Idea #1: Mario plays on a volleyball league two nights a week which means I also have two nights a week to do something I like. My plan is to go to beach yoga (thanks, Groupon!) those days, followed by an online Spanish lesson at home. The other activities on the list are mine to research and embrace in order to make me a better / happier person and a more independent partner.

Cheers to becoming “me”!

It’s been almost a year since I returned to the U.S. – my how the time flies!

My life now is the exact opposite of my time in Hong Kong, but both were the perfect prescription for what I needed at the time.

HK was full of flavor and excitement with trips to exotic locations and nights out dancing ‘til 4am. I lived alone in a rather expensive studio with my family 8,000 miles away. On Saturday nights, I drank too much and woke up on Sundays to hikes in the beautiful countryside all with friends from around the world. I was a teacher, writer, and editor who made good money and saved a somewhat impressive amount. My life was fun, fantastic, and highly memorable.

Now, my life is beautiful and happy with trips to U.S. cities and staying in ‘til midnight. I have a fabulous roommate in a huge apartment and luckily my family is only 60 miles away. On Saturday nights I hang out with my lovely boyfriend attending festivals, going out for dinner, and exploring Chicago; while Sunday mornings bring sleep-ins, housework, and discovering the new neighborhood. My friend pool is small but mighty. I work a nonprofit organization making a less impressive salary and saving a scant amount. My life is relaxing, satisfying, and enjoyable.

I may have had polar opposite lives, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was happy in Hong Kong and I’m very happy now. Lucky girl, I am.

Now I’m not sure if the reason I tear up every time I see a baby or a pregnant person or hear the word nursery (or…you get the idea) is because I’ve finally found a great guy that I could see myself settling down with or because my biological clock is ticking, but I’ve been #babyfever for the last few weeks. (And, no, I don’t ever use hashtags, but I think in this case, it’s appropriate…)

·         Whilst riding the el to work, I see a very adorable and very talkative three-year-old boy. He has an adorably cute mop of curly hair atop his head and a very sweet demeanor. After boarding the train, his father sits the boy on his lap. They begin a normal conversation about Florida and how to get there…do you take a train? Can I walk there faster? How about an airplane? The dad not only makes me want to marry him immediately, the conversation makes my heart melt. Once the train is rather busy, the preschooler asks a random man if he has any children. “No,” the man answers. How about any pets? “I have a dog and a cat,” the stranger says. “Oh no!” screeches the boy loudly, “Don’t they fight all the time?!” The car erupts with laughter. #babyfever

·         It’s a sunny day in Sycamore and I’m home to visit my family for Mother’s Day. Elise, my very adorable niece (I mean, hello?!, have you seen the pictures!) is also at my parents’ house. And only because it’s Mother’s Day, I agree to do some weeding for my mom. Lisey follows me from weed to weed; I dig them up, she holds onto them, then together we make our way to the trash to throw them away. She doesn’t care that her hands are mildly dirty and she certainly loves to help her favorite auntie. #babyfever

·         Was watching a musical recently when a “freshly married” actress enters the stage. She’s beaming. It’s clear she’s “pregnant” and can’t wait to tell her “mother”. When she shares the news, the stage erupts with excitement. I get jealous. #babyfever

·         It’s scene 2 and the pregnant lady is now fully pregnant (well, fully fake pregnant) and she waddles around. Everyone dotes on her. #babyfever

·         In March, my best friend Katie calls to tell me she’s pregnant! My first reaction? Tears of jealousy. My very quick (I swear, it was a mere 10 seconds later) second reaction? Coos of excitement! Yay! #babyfever

·         Had dinner with another friend last week who informed me that she and her husband are trying for baby numero dos. She explains that she’s very excited, but a little sad that none of her friends are in the same place that she is…married with almost 2 kids. #babyfever

·         Today I went to the Chicago Children’s Museum for work. There were a ridiculous amount of ridiculously cute kids and tots running around with their parents helping them build skyscrapers, bowl, and play in the water works. I want to be a stay at home mom who plays with her kids in the middle of the work day at an awesome museum. #babyfever

*Side note to my mother: No, I’m not pregnant. No, I’m not getting pregnant for quite some time. Now, take a deep breath…

Mario’s cousin graduates college today. Their family, all Ecuadorians, traveled in from Ecuador and throughout the US for the celebration. Last night was the graduation party, with plenty of delicious Argentinean steaks, drinks, and non-English speakers. While there were a select few with whom I could carry on a conversation, the remaining people smiled politely, asked questions to Mario about me, and hugged me hello and goodbye, but that was the extent that we could communicate. Everyone was extremely generous and welcoming, but we could not talk at all.

Surrounded by Spanish and with few people with whom I could actually talk to, I played a game with myself: every time I knew a word that I could translate, I’d smile and nod my head. The conversations were swirling around me (not at me) while I patiently smiled and nodded to those nearest to me. Mario was there to translate for part of the time, but his family was visiting from far away and he hadn’t seen them in months, who am I steal all of his time? So, I smiled and nodded, watched some TV, and spoke in English to the ones who could.

When I got home last night, I started crying with how overwhelming it all had really been. As many of you know, I’m freakish about being in control. It was frustrating to me that I could do nothing. I’ve been blessed with good communication skills and the ability to talk to most people, but last night I had to sit helpless for 3 hours. And it wasn’t for a lack of effort on most people’s part, we wanted to talk, but didn’t have the means with which to do so.

The more Spanish words I learn, the more I can smile and nod, but until I can truly speak and understand the language, there will be many similar scenarios in my future. Mario is very sweet about it and empathizes since he’d been in the same situation 15 years ago when he moved to America.

With a hug and “You did great!” I went to bed exhausted but knowing that in the not so distant future, I’ll be meeting his parents, both of whom don’t speak English, and will be in Chicago for three weeks this summer. I’m excited to meet them and see who raised Mario to be the person he is today, but I’m nervous, too. I want to get to know them and hear funny stories about Mario’s childhood, yet it’ll be hard because we can’t directly converse. I certainly won’t learn Spanish before July, but I can show my happiness with my facial expressions and my body language…last night was good practice for that.